probably the only time it’s appropriate to use the phrase “not unless Jesus Himself said so” in an interview November 12, 2009

Dude, when did it become November? I looked up and suddenly months have blown by and I’m still much unemployed. Wow. Never saw this stretching out this long. Anyhoo. I’m currently swallowing allergy pills, knocking back TheraFlu and making sure I’m wearing my socks when I go to sleep. My sinuses are currently revolting and congestion + headaches = my new best friends. Have I mentioned I really don’t like these particular friends??

Married life is going well. Two days ago, my husband told me he’s really “enjoyed” me lately. Swoon. So we’re still doing well in our counseling sessions. Wait. Maybe that’s not really an accurate statement. We’re doing well. I’m a little “eh” on the past two sessions. Basically, I was kinda chastised for visiting my friends a couple of months back. I was told that essentially I left my husband (WTF) and I needed to examine my “deep need/emotional attachment” for my friends now that I’m married. Now, keep in mind, that when I went on this trip Husband had no issues. All of a sudden his ass is on the bandwagon talking about he never understood why I needed so badly to go on this trip. In my head I’m thinking “and this is when you want to tell me how you feel about it? Suddenly, when I’m already feeling this attacked?” Blah. Not the happiest session…

Next.

So, I’ve had a couple of interviews lately. The best was for an admin position at my church. So far, it looks like the only job I’m still in the running for. I was asked what I would do if an associate minister asked me to so something contrary to the orders of my actual supervisor, the pastor. Basically my answer was the above title. Cute, right? And weirdly (?) appropriate.

Hey, I know this is a short entry, but at least I posted, right? Which is more than I can say for some (side eye @ Come back Mia: we miss you!!

a slice of guilt October 1, 2009

Well, that was depressing, huh? I love my husband and he’s a good man. I feel bad for “exposing” him like that. But on a happier note, things are better. Not great but better. We’ve started counseling and that is definitely helping. We’ve got a long way to go but I know we’ll get there.

So, still no news on the job front. Still desperately unemployed and hating it. Also equally loathing and appreciating the sleep-in-til 11am days combined with minute periods of productivity. I like the abandon of deciding if I want to brush my teeth or not on a particular day but wow I miss working. I feel like a sloth. Today was good though. I cooked dinner. For the first time in a month of not working. See? Sloth.

God, what am I whining about my husband for? It’s a wonder he hasn’t kicked my lazy ass out of the house, yet. I just had to lean over and give him a special kiss, LOL.

So, with all my spare time I’m also supposed to be working on a couple of projects. (Remember, those minute periods of productivity.) Mainly getting my materials together for another round of graduate program applications. I have everything I need for most of the schools and I just sent another email to two professors asking them if they’d agree to write another letter for me. Or hell, just send last year’s. I’d certainly be ok with that, at least for the new schools I’m applying to. There’s a program here that I’m reapplying to. Although I’m tempted not to. But Husband would seriously have my ass if I didn’t. I just so don’t feel like going through the rigamarole of retaking the GRE to try and increase my score by another 70 points and write a second paper since I definitely can’t send them the same one. Oh well…

I don’t really have much to say tonight. I just didn’t want the last entry to be the last entry.

life is one big “eh” September 12, 2009

So, things are pretty blah these days. I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. My boss was being a terror: daily confrontations, rude emails or comments, me in the car crying during lunch breaks, etc. Enough of that.

I’ve been home for the past two weeks. I had a great first interview with a company but haven’t heard back. I do know that the department head travels alot. She outlined her schedule for this month and it is pretty hectic. I called the HR rep last week and didn’t hear back. Husband thinks I should call the actual dept head. I probably will on Monday.

I desperately need two things. And one is a direct result of the other. After a lack of sexy times for a month and a half, (due to health and then just shockingly not being in the mood: I blame it on medicine I am no longer taking) I am now, apparently, incapable of an orgasm. As in we tried several positions and…nothing. Do you know how disgusted-frustrated-pissed-pick an angry word and insert here- I am??? I can’t help throwing the side eye to Mr, either. Not the greatest day in our household.

I love my husband. I really do. But so much about our life has not turned out the way I like it. I don’t know. Do you have to pay your dues in a marriage just like when you graduate from college and you first start working? You know, you don’t get the plum job right off, in fact your wages kind of suck, and you start off definitely regarded as less than. And no, I’m not saying my husband makes me feel less than. But. But I hate the small, old, sometimes dingy house where we live. I hate the neighborhood: the oldness of it and the stray dogs and cats and people throwing trash out the car window and somebody leaving a computer monitor in the gutter. I hate how persistent we have to be with the Frontline because fleas are all over the stray animals. I hate how I bang my elbow on the windowsill in the shower 3 out of 5 times. I hate that I feel crowded and that despite the pretty paint colors and nice furniture, I have no desire to live in my own home. I hate that I don’t have a job and can’t seem to acquire one. I hate that I feel closed in, bottled up in general.

I hate that my husband kisses me and there’s no thrill.

I don’t know what to do.

don’t you hate… August 21, 2009

When you have a really bizarre dream, but instead of remembering it, you forget it about 20 minutes after you wake up? Oh well. So today was the day for my gastro to see if he could figure out what’s what. Results: everything looks better than the first time I had this procedure done. He’s going to test/biopsy the samples and see what that tells him. Even now, my stomach is on its own personal little joy ride. Jeesh. This has gotten beyond ridiculous.

The procedure didn’t go badly at all. It was actually easier. It felt weird being hooked up to oxygen and all though. But, true to her word, once the anesthesiologist gave me the meds I wasn’t feeling weird at all. And apparently I remembered nothing the doctor told me later. I asked Husband four times what the doctor found. Good drugs.

So back to the job I hate this Monday. If I still have one. Honestly, and I know our finances wouldn’t be able to stand it past one or two missed checks, but I wouldn’t be too heartbroken if they fired me. I am so tired of being stuck in a job I hate, not using my degree and only a limited number of my skills. I had a phone screen yesterday that was definitely a confidence booster. Nice to know that resume I’m shuffling out to the metroplex via Career.Builder is doing something. Hopefully next week I’ll get a second call to schedule an interview. I need to get my writing samples together…

Yawn. I don’t know why I’m feeling all sleepy. I slept for about four hours after the procedure. Woke up. Ate. And slept for about two more. Damn good drugs.

Sorry for the boring entry. Maybe I’ll have some better stories to tell after tomorrow’s shopping. Mmmm, shopping.

Back from the… August 19, 2009

Ready for Things to Settle
Everyone loves a list:
Reasons Why This Morning Was NOT a Good One
• Our washing machine exploded last night. Nuff said.
• Some disrespectful heifer (and ooh I wanna call her worse) called my house TWICE leaving messages for my husband. I’m no jealousy ridden lover. This was an ex-girlfriend who previously told him that her vows to her husband were meaningless. I just need her to keep her slutting ways to herself. Or at least away from me and mine.
• Our plans for last night changed. Stupid washing machine. My face: disappointed. His: oh well it happens. My face then: more disappointed he didn’t get it. His face then: Um, I still don’t get it.
• Last night: my first night home at a decent time since working 10-hour shifts at the plantation, I mean, job.
• This morning I awoke to find: a dirt and stined-covered bathroom floor (at least the dirty laundry was picked up last night), a foul-looking toilet (wow, I hate anthying with pipes), and a plunger in my tub. I’m still shuddering.
• My morning surprise as I rushed out of the house, already five minutes late: a huge, dead, flying, freaking beetle staring at me, belly-up on the driver’s side mat of my car.
• Result of huge, dead, flying, freaking beetle in the wrong place at the wrong time: tears. (What? It’d been a hugely rough night and a tiring day and it was only 8 freaking am.)
• Before I left the house, I remembered that I had no more oatmeal at work so needed to stop and buy breakfast. Before I left the house, I forgot my wallet on the dining room table.
• I didn’t discover said missing wallet until in the drive-thru lane at McDonald’s. With two cars in front of me. And two behind me.
• 30 minutes late to work. Just what you need when you’re trying to prove yourself for a transfer from the department.

Suffering in Non-Silence

I hate when people know, or rather, think they know my business. To be fair, I’ve made it known to the powers that be and my selected “crew” that this ain’t what it is and one way or another, it’s time to transition from my current role at CTC.

Despite me not speaking of this in a public manner nor telling all to all, one of my teammates came up to me with that “little birdy” talk. I hate the little birdy talk. I told her little birdies need to keep their birdie mouths (or beaks) shut. So should she. I didn’t say that part. But I did think it.

It’s like because we’ve casually talked about husbands, children, traveling and she brought me a wedding gift (pretty silver photo album to go on a desk/coffee table) that we can now discuss something that SO needs to be kept private. I want to make NO waves that might impede my progress from this department.

Do I sound catty? I don’t mean too. Perhaps the below email will partially explain.

From: Buttons
To: MTM
Subject:

Ugh, I feel like my cramps are trying to arrive early…

From: MTM
To: Buttons
Subject: RE:

hmmmmmm… you take something?

From: Buttons
To: MTM
Subject: RE:

No, too early for all that. Just have to suffer in non-silence.

Suffering in non-silence. That’s what I do. And quite well, might I add.

So, how long has it been? And I still haven’t updated. I suck. I admit it. Anyhoo, I’ve been home from work all week. It’s Wednesday and I haven’t seen the inside of my office since last week. Well I went on Tuesday. For about 30 minutes. And then I realized, who the hell am I kidding?? I can’t work like this. And I neatly packed up and left. I did email my boss first. My stomach has been acting an unholy mess. I go in for a procedure Friday. Which probably means I won’t be at work tomorrow. It helps that I don’t particularly care for my job. It doesn’t help that I might not have one to return to next week. We’ll see.
So at home, things are somewhat settling. The house is still partly a mess. Only certain areas. Hopefully this weekend we’ll get a handle on it. We just got gorgeous new bedroom furniture. I can’t wait til the room reflects it. It’ll get there, I know.
In other home news, my husband and I haven’t had sex. In a month. What newlyweds do that? I mean ones that actually love each other. See why I hate my stomach? I have NO drive whatsoever. He kisses me and I feel a big ball of nothing. I hate it. Jeez, how depressing.
So, Friday. Please, Lord, let the light at the end of the tunnel become apparent. Cuz this is so not cool.

my vows June 21, 2009

I pledge to work out. more later…

P.S. June 14, 2009

I do have another entry or two to publish from my trip plus lotsa pics. Back soon.

roller coaster June 14, 2009

It’s non-stop. Every day brings a combination of new happiness or continuing sadness. As much as I hate sounding melodramatic, it’s true. I don’t know if it’s the stress of the upcoming nuptials (14 days!) or what, but as of late, stress is my middle name. And unfortunately, I hate my middle name. Like the long-lost cousin that moves into your house, pawns your jewelry, steals your money, sleeps with your husband, and then has the nerve to be mad when you get mad. I don’t know that I’ve ever had so much seem so wrong. And let me acknowledge to you and to myself, there is a lot of good in my life: Fiance and I had our first date in about a month of final plans for the wedding and our new home and family and traveling; my final check from my 403b (like a 401k but for crazy people like me who love being in the classroom, read: teaching) came in the mail and was SWIFTLY deposited; I was able to come home from work my first full day back in the country and not cook but relax amidst some cantankerous thunderstorms and go to sleep; and at the end of the day, I still have my health (such as it is), my family is mainly intact, plus my pretty face and rockin’ bod. (Kidding. Kinda.) But. And really, it’s a huge BUT: in almost every aspect of my life, there is some stressor. And yea, I get it, we all have our slumps, down days, but this is different from a problem at work or a problem at home or a problem with your extended family or a problem with your finances or a problem with your health. And while I sometimes feel like I’m whining because I recognize things could be so much worse, this is the one of the most horrifically stressful times in my life because everything, I mean every-damn-thing is under attack. The devil is powerful ya’ll. I mean he knows his way around your mind and heart and as of late he’s been pulling out all the stops. I can be uplifted one moment and discouraged the next. It’s not the roller coaster the world has me on; it’s the spirit-made one I built myself.

Let me say, I recognize part of the problem is me. No, let me rephrase that. We, as Christians, are under attack daily, not necessarily because of what we do, but because of who we are and Whose we are. However, it’s my fault for not having my guard up better: i.e. my study time has been wretched lately, i.e. none while I was in Japan and barely my daily devotional time. And that’s what it comes down to. This is a test that I’ve been failing miserably. It’s no wonder he got a hold of me so easily. It’s no wonder every little thing is ready to push me over the edge. Plus PT is here. PT: Period Time. Or Psycho Time. They’re pretty much interchangeable.

I do think my stress management style could use some improvement. And I do plan to look into it. Cuz seriously, ain’t no worse feeling than lying in your house, alone, on the floor, crying, throwing glass bowls, remotes, your damn glasses (which you still haven’t found), just all out falling apart, and not understanding if it’s because you’re crazy, everything in your life is stressing you so it’s ok to be highly emotional, that dag-gone PT, or a combination of all 3.

I came across this the other day in my daily devotional (which I love and recommend courtesy of www.CrossWalk.com). The one I subscribe to is written by various women. Love it! 

“Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:3-4 (NIV)

So, I get it. I know what He’s doing. I know it’s painful, and I know He’s purging me of some things as I prepare to be a wife, a mother, and a better me. I also know that it’s just that: a painful process. And I know all things work together for my good (Romans 8:28) and that at the end of it I’ll be “mature and complete, not lacking anything” but in the middle of it, when I feel the most storm-tossed and rest-deprived, when I’m weary down to my bones and hurting deep in my spirit, what I know is one thing, very simple, and very honest: Ouch.

Good Night.

test June 2, 2009

So very very slow am I, that a test of this fabulous new technology is in order

Sent from my iPhone

medical update June 2, 2009

Stupid thyroid. Stupid non-symptom causing thyroid. The endicrinologist said my thyroid is not the culprit for my fatigue, sensitivity to heat/cold, ever-present appetite, memory problems, joint aches/pains. Back to the primary care physician’s drawing board to identify other possible auto-immune disorders. First up: rheumatoid arthritis. Second up: lupus. Based on new bloodwork showing elevated rheumatoid inflammation and another too high inflammation reading, I am to schedule an appointment with a rheumatologist of my doctor’s choosing. Why, what more fun can I possibly have before my wedding in 25 days? Whee!